Grandma

The last time I saw her she was distant. She was different. As if she suspected what we all didn’t. We thought she’d be around forever until she wasn’t. Her last breath ended her sadness, and with it brought on our suffering. Suddenly, missing her smothering. Missing her mothering. Her nurturing. Her laughing, her crying, her nagging, her cooking, her loving. Uncovering my selfishness, discovering my carelessness, wondering how I could have been so heartless. How could I of taken her for granted?

I wish I could hold her one more time. Look her deep in her eyes and thank her for just being in my life. Thank her for all that she sacrificed. For the times she played with my hair at night. For all her wisdom and all of her light. Apologize for every time she compromised. For the times I fought back and watched her cry. For every time I didn’t sympathize. I hope she remembers me in her afterlife. I hope she can feel how grateful I am for all that she instilled and how she influenced my beliefs. I often wonder if she sees the woman I’ve become and is proud of me.  I still see her every day in my personality. As if a part of her lives on within me.  She is not in this realm but she is in my heart and in my memory. I miss you and will love you always, abuelita Primi.

-Erika Fuego